March 25th, I went in for an ultrasound. Just for my peace of mind. We saw the baby moving and the heart was beating at 170 bpm. The baby measured 11 weeks 3 days in size. In my mind, I honestly thought I was close enough to the end of the 1st trimester to be considered safe. I felt completely confident that everything would be fine throughout the rest of my pregnancy.
April 8th, exactly two weeks later, I went in for my regular appointment to find out that the heart had stopped beating. I was sent for another ultrasound to confirm the bad news. I asked the tech, Mellissa, whom I had gotten to know very well from having ultrasounds every two weeks, if she could measure it and tell me exactly when the heart stopped. The baby measured 11 weeks 3 days in size. The heart had stopped beating sometime during that next 12-24 hours after the ultrasound on March 25th. I felt so blindsighted. I don't know how to explain it other than that. The reality of it is slowly sinking in.
I've gathered all of the baby magazines, books, previous ultrasound pics and anything else that will be a reminder and I've either tossed it or put it into a box in the basement. I've returned the maternity clothes that I purchased last week. I've listed the rest that I had on KSL hopefully to be sold soon. I'm just glad that I hadn't bought any baby clothes.
So far the hardest thing to do was to tell my kids. Brooklyn was upset and cried. Calvin just kept asking when it was coming back. I had to tell him several times that it went back to live with Heavenly Father and that it wasn't coming back.
I had a D&C Wed, April 9th. It totally sucked. Great choice of words, huh. Now, I just need to find something to keep me busy and going. Any suggestions?
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16 years ago
6 comments:
All I can say is that I am so sorry. The whole thing just totally sucks. It's so hard for us to understand, so I can't imagine how hard it is for a five-year-old to understand. Our prayers and thoughts are with you and your sweet family.
BTW: Paige doesn't drink formula anymore, but I do know some people that could use it, if you still have it.
I wish I could think of more to say than I am so sorry too. You and Brian and the kids are in our thoughts and prayers. You know if there's anything I can do to help, I'm there. Call me and I'm SURE we can come up with some things to do to keep busy. I've got laundry, floors...just kidding...like I said we can keep busy, now keeping out of trouble, that may be the problem. (Just trying to make you smile, hope it's working) :)
I am so sorry Kim. I know how excited you were and how much you wanted this baby. We never know why some things happen in our lives. Just look at your last blog entry and know that you are a great mother to your beautiful children. Let me know if you need anything. Love You!
I can't tell you how sorry I am Kim. I was so excited for you. It's just not fair....you are such an amazing mom, and friend. I love you dearly! You are so strong! xoxoxoxo
I've been wanting to comment here ever since you wrote this, but I'm so at a loss. I never know what to say when I know someone I care about is in pain. All I can say is, to some small degree, I feel it too. I know your family will be okay, and I don't really know what you're going through, but you've been in my thoughts a lot.
I'd like to thank everyone for helping me in so many different ways. Some of you brought meals or flowers and others have been so good to listen.
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